Old Word...New revelation

Persistency.......I have never really thought much about the word, or perhaps I should say I just let the word go fleeting by. I would imagine my immediate word association with the word persistency would be probably be something which was for mainly work related matters. In my mind when someone wants something bad enough, the word persistency surfaces. i.e. that there are people who would work so hard towards a specific goal and not easily throw in the towel.

The revelation I discovered is this, I think I need to remove a stronghold in my thoughts as I always say.....I'm more a sprinter than a marathon runner. The Stronghold I realise I carry is "The Sprinter mentality in my life". I always thought I was doing the right thing when I would be the first in line at a family/friend's side during a time of crisis. I would be there, hand and foot to see what I could do or how else I could help alleviate the situation. However, when things seem ok, I would just make an exit, not to surface until and unless required.

I realised that this is not how trust and relationship grows. I realise that Life is about MARATHONS and not sprints. I do acknowledge my shortcomings, gosh this is an old blog, but i think it deserves to be on print.

Changes ..........Externally and Internally

It's a saturday after 4pm, and I am seated in my office blogging......What a life! I have in a way made some decisions and actively executed one already whilst the other, will happen on Monday.

Today, I subscribed to Astro as I feel I need some external stimulation. When I spent some time visiting Ashley last week, the TV at my brother's house was on some food channel. My focus shifted from Ashley to the TV.......How sad but I was just drawn. I thought to myself, why don't I just sign on. My sister might be a little upset I think, but I'm paying, so.......why not! I just filled in a form and faxed it to Astro. I made some inquiries and I thought cooking and hallmark, those soapy operas, and how wonderful, the basic family package includes those two things I wanted! On Monday, I will cease going to the gym. I am not entirely sure when my annual subscription ends, but I think it is in 2 months or so. The thought that I will have to pay RM170 against RM90 I was paying were one of the main factors for my decision. Instead, I might go buy myself a bicycle and start cycling again...........I really don't know.

Yesterday was a scary and tearful day for me. I lost Happy for over 4 hours!!! My sister's domestic help left the gate open and I noticed him missing. It was so difficult for me to go for a work appointment and being so torn inside. Tomorrow will be Precious's first anniversary. Precious was Happy's companion and she passed away last year. As I drove for my appointment, my eyes were all over the lanes if he was there. I was afraid I would find him knocked down by a car. I prayed hard and my whole being was in distraught. It was as if I lost someone, a family........I made the appointment quickly and returned home. I prayed that I would find Happy under my bed.......I returned home and searched, but he was not in sight. We went by car and foot and I returned home, leaving my house door wide open and my gates open. I sat at my stairway and just cried........This is crazy but I thought I heard Happy's sigh......, I prayed and I asked a friend who says when he prayed to some saint of lost things, things appeared. I was desperate, though I would look stupid, I asked my friend to pray for me. Within minutes after I sent the message, Happy was found.
Praise God and probably the saint who probably knew my petition.

I am not on top of the world and I need to pull my socks up. I know that it must be part of the physical process of the bodily hormonal changes and the pendulum mood swings I am going through. It's no fun to be alone when one is down. I did some SHOPPING THERAPY and bought pots upon pots. I now want to strut down to Sg Buloh and see God in existence in the beauty of flowers and living things.

I shall blog happier moments soon to come

Emotional turbulence...

I am so desirous to be able to JUST KNOW how to manage to be calm with varying situations that presents itself in my life........

I was pleased when my daugther asked me for breakfast. I turned her down for thursday and we agreed to meet on saturday morning. I gave myself a pat on the back as I felt I handled things well! I manage to hold my tongue and refrained from any snide remarks as it has been close to a month since my daughter and I last spoke. My daughter and I do not have any pressing issues, except she is presently self absorbed with the experience of living independently(She lives with her older sister). Her life and focus is clouded with boyfriend and girlfriends and then,her job! I did suggest sometime earlier about fortnightly visits, which has not happened. I left it at that, choosing to be tolerant, and just patiently believing she will call me when timing is good for her. I recall my sister and my pastor's counsel that I should only be giving light touches because my girls were of age.

It was not a demonstration of authority, but more an adjustment for me to really cut off the apron strings. I told myself I should let them lead their own lives. I should not need to be keeping watch over them time and again. All I needed to do was let them know, if ever they need me, I would be able to be available for them.

To demonstrate my new attitude, I even left it as her choice where we could have our breakfast. I gave her the option to choose venue and we agreed on an appointed time. She mentioned to me I would meet her boyfriend's mom and others in his family. I told her plainly, "I rather not"....... Simply because I did not want to "entertain", and secondly I just wanted to meet and spend some time with her. '

Lo and behold saturday came and as I looked out for her at the place we agreed, the boyfriend and his mom were there!I forced a smile, and whispered to her "I did not expect this". This unfortunately was just a tip of the ice berg, before long......a throng of 5 other people joined us. I was extremely uncomfortable, I really wanted to crawl out of my skin and just leave. I remembered having to pray for the Holy Spirit to help me settle and be nice. I knew in my mind that if I clamped up more, I would appear unfriendly or stuck up. And that..... would not speak well of my behaviour and not bring glory to my God. I tried......God help me I tried. The mind and flesh took over and my spirit man took second place.....sadly. I felt very uncomfortable. Unfortunately, I was not able to hide this from my daugther, and she knew mom was clamping up. I was almost certain the guests sensed it too. I struggled to make small talk, to be polite trying to appear civilised, but my body language gave way. I was definitely not in my element!

It was a long 30-45 minutes breakfast, and they finally were ready to leave. I arose quickly, said my thanks and walked briskly towards my car. My daugther approached me quietly trying to explain and assure me the turn out was not what she planned. I responded "We'll talk later". I got into my car and I just wanted to cry. As I think and reflect on what my emotions were, it was not anger, but it was disappointment and frustration. I felt INVADED and made to feel I was put in a spot. I felt shortchanged. I felt I had consciously done my part of the bargain to be an understanding and tolerant mom as best I could, and she did not look after my well being or be considerate about how I felt.

Equally, I was also upset with myself as I realised I am not a good actor. I asked myself why I did not or could not relax to get to know these people. Why did I behave the way I did, why did I clamp up. I am almost certain, even to the blind I was uncomfortable. Although I did make an effort to chat, I think the rest of my body language just cringed and curled.

My emotional turbulence was not over yet. Saturday morning turbulence was just an appetiser, a mere little jolt! Saturday evening I attended a welcome party at my brother's house. My eldest brother would be 60 next year and his wife, my age......and they just adopted the cutest baby girl! I spoke to my sister in law briefly as I wanted to prepare her heart. The baby was adorable, and I did not want her to be disappointed if the biological parents changed their mind. As I heard her story of how Ashley was being tossed to different families here and across waters, my heart just sank for her. I held Ashley close to my chest and my love just flowed..... I just wanted to hold and cuddle her with the warmth of love a child so needed from their mother, and she did not experience it. I prayed for Ashley if it was God's will for them to be her new parents then, He would have His divine hand in the paper work. I prayed to Ashley's spirit to forgive her mother for giving her up as she must have been in a difficult spot to have to do what she did. It was such a long time since I felt someone needing love and comfort so much. I felt I just needed to pour and shower upon her, love and bonding which she so deserved. A mere 5 month old adorable baby being tossed around, thus unable to connect and have a sense of belonging.

I am seated now....... finally for the first time in my private dwelling place......my almost white bedroom, seated comfortably in my night clothes, with the fan and air cond, my lampstand lit up dimly creating a wonderful ambience as I speak my mind. I am truly blessed, I just inherited my god son's dell computer, it is wonderful to be in my own private dwelling. Relaxed and just having the ability to have an outpour of emotions, with no hangups and not a care in the world who would or could be reading this. As I type, I have muffled on me my other blessing, a hand me down i pod and headphones as I savour the wonderful selection of songs and tunes which just uplifts my soul to yet another dimension....... As I type now, Kenny G with THe Chanukah song entices me. My few favourites are some really really beautiful songs with such wonderful lyrics, I could hear it over and over. This is what life should be......well almost. Whilst it is close to midnight, my eyes and mind are just awaken with the thought of being able to continue to have an outpour of my heart and share my last emotional turbulence over this week.

I awake early on a sunday morning to notice a missed call on my phone from someone dear whom I treasure. The call shows 1am, and this person NEVER calls for no rhyme or reason. It's 6am, I call back and I am met with silence. I call again, and the phone is still switched off. Thoughts started to race in my mind.......Was there something he wanted to tell me? Frightening thoughts followed.......Is he ok? Is he well? Was there some food poisoning? Did he have an emergency he needed me to attend to? As I went down to my sanctuary in my dining room. The place where I meet with the Lord as I spend my quiet time reading,reflecting and praying. I prayed that my Lord watch over my friend, my dear friend. I am still disturbed, I had to pray for peace within for myself. Holy Spirit intercedes and a peace and calmness embraces me. I knew then every thing was ok, and I continued with my quiet time. Later in the morning, I call again and he picks the phone. He declares......"I'm fine, I'm having my breakfast", sorry something went wrong and I called your number by accident. Sigh and relief....... Everything is ok

Excited like a kid......

I sent this text to my boss this evening ..."GOD IS GOOD and So are you"! He, an avid cook himself was so kind as he made a copy of his taped Nigella Lawson for me. I had, just hours earlier shared with him how I only saw Nigella Lawson for the first time the previous afternoon. And to learn later, he made a copy of the DVD a 13 episode of NL for me!!! Is he good or what? I was really excited to get home for the weekend......like a kid waiting to get his hands on a new toy. That was the exact feeling that consumed me thinking about the cooking show. I guess I am a sucker for almost any good deed or words of encouragement. I have never really given much thought about it until recently, and I realised I am truly one who gets excited and happy quite easily! Not trying to over analyse, I am reckoning it might just be something I acquired from my mom. It is still vivid how she was so grateful for anything or indeed almost everything........My mom was truly an epitome of Gratitude.

I reflect about one of the books I read "The 5 languages of love" and I think in a way, my love bank is acts of service and words of encouragement. In fact, a month or so ago, a fellow colleague offered and actually drove me to search for vinyl flooring as I needed them for my home improvement. I never expected it, and I was indeed on cloud 9 thinking someone made the effort to help me. In simple english, I was so happy and grateful. Similarly, I felt so special and loved when Laura, my childhood friend got worried and anxious when I took a while to reply to her. Laura lives in Washington and I was her classmate when we were 9 or 10 years old. Her stay in our school was only a short spell, but I do remember her, and I recall sitting next to her in class. The smart girl who had polio but a quiet spirit. Laura depicts hers as too routine as she and her husband spend time together. Laura does not have any children but she loves to hear about my stories with my girls.

It was such a good feel to know my friendship mattered to her. It was truly heartwarming also to open an email a few days ago with the title "I'm back.....please continue to send me those long emails, I love them ". Laura had just returned from a trip to Switzerland, Paris and Germany where she was part of her American team. They were organising some talks in some organized conferences. How, I smiled when I read about how her american friends resolved Laura was quitenessentially a tea connoisseur as she would steadfastly insist on her brew of english tea whilst they merrily asked for beer or wine. Now I await Laura to write me as I simply requested she shares and allow me to escape to imagine country by country of the rolling hills and beautiful buildings and landscapes in beautiful Europe. Sigh...... thoughts fast forward to my plan of watching the PASSION PLAY which is staged every 10 years in Obermagau, Germany (or whatever spelling of this lovely place). How I could just imagine seeing the bright lights in Austria during Christmas......how I could just imagine on and on.......

I do time and again wonder why i get so excited and how silly or pretencious I may appear as I do get literally excited over even some small things. Truly a dreamer I am, and I have been told by one whom I hold a high esteem,I was one who does not want to face reality. Last night, I accompanied a friend for dinner as she needed a pair of listening ears. Many things were happening in her life and she needed a friend..., so I just gave of her my time. I took her for "therapy". We went window shopping after dinner at the mall close to where I live. A place I could easily reach with a hop, step and jump. After numerous attempts,she was a little de stressed. As we plodded floors upon floors on the escalator, we found ourselves in an A Signature Art Shop. I must confess whilst I am not exactly an art enthusiast, my attention was captured and I was mesmerised by the limited editions of the works of Thomas kinkaid. Truly it was so uplifting to be in the shop, and quite frankly I could have easily just sat there queitly soaking my thoughts to the wilderness and beauty of the world the artist had the eye for. If I was not keeping company with my friend, I could easily stay in the shop and allowed myself to drift to another level. Metaphorically speaking, I floated in mid air and was "transported somewhere else" in my thoughts.

Rat ta tooe.....

One of my favourite smells is cut grass and the smell after a rain. I wished I did not have to dash, but my lunch could not be as leisurely I had hoped for it to be. I had to choose do my daily grind and drove to beautiful Gita Bayu. I reluctantly departed from the beautiful setting of a freshly brewed pot of coffee and in beautiful china, camembert on cracker with 3 ladies in a beautiful home.......

Korean food and new friendships. No, I did not play cupid but I played connector. Three of us knew each other but not this other lady. I was the only common link. I believe, I do not know why,but I am able to feel things and people. It is strange but I do. Quite often I am able to "know" how one is feeling whether it is positive or negative. I felt this new friend needed friendships.....ladies do and in a way, I am glad that this afternoon happened. When I left them after a quick fifteen minutes at the coffee table in her big and lovely home, swimming pool and all, the talk was about weak knees....I hurried off and blurted out ......"Glucosamine", and in a dash the electric gate ushered me out.

2 work appointments and the last being more like an assignment. I text my client with the word "mission accomplished"! and before long he called. Whilst my work was in a way completed, my client wanted me to assist him to keep his tenant happy. I did and in a way now, everyone is now happy. I replenished my supplies for my next batch of moon cakes and confidently this time, not with stress.No more crazy hours till 3am....

I come to my little abode, pushing my original plan aside and told myself NO MORE STRESS and RUSH. I decided I would not push myself anymore, having a pause,chilling out and reading more ......... or quite simply doing nothing was really ok. As I watered the plants, I missed the smell, I wished I could experience the smell of cut grass.....I think, I pause and my plan for my next leisure.......Going for a movie and Rat ta tooe it shall be.

Humpty Dumpty does it again

It's a new week, and what a way to go. Yes, indeed Humpty Dumpty does it again. THis time it was not a staircase affair, but in the bathroom. Washing the toilet and skating are 2 different things.....of course I was not trying to skate, but the legs decided to have a go at it and brought me to my not quite healed behind. I do not have a large mirror in my bedroom, and I am not going to be indecent in my living room with my life sized mirror, Ouch it hurts big time, and especially it was really scary to see how when I fell, the bump came up instantenously.

I was late and I am not over reacting, but I think the bump was at least half an inch protruding out of the side of my left foot. Thank God for caring people as I got some attention when I limped my way in the place where I volunteer. Ice bag and a major ouch with some tongue wagging about how clumsy I am, I got treated. It's not quite 8pm yet, and in a little while I should be feeding Happy. Techincally, my body should rest as I hit the sack at 3.30am baking my moon cakes, and not surprisingly awoke before the alarm went off. I have a natural alarm clock and when 4 or 5 hours are up, so am I. But I had work to do and people to chaffeur, and thinking I might sleep through...... just in case, I set the alarm at 8.30, but I awoke wide eyed and busy tailed at 7.30am.

My reflection today........I have surpassed my quota of falls for the year. My friends say otherwise......in some chinese proverb, they suggested I would,....... not surprisingly have yet another fall. Humpty Dumpty does not want to do it again, so the funny thing is one of them suggested I purposely trip myself, and regard it as a near fall. How strange I thought.

I should be tired and in a way, I am but the fingers itch, I just exercised my fingers to say hi to Mark my psycho friend. What a way to title my email. I smile as I think what might be running through his mind before he sets his eyes on the first few lines. I say......My psychological friend.

Full week as it was, I am glad I put on hold my moon cake session and go see my best friend and her new born. I felt so backward when I learnt how advance breast pumps are even these days. I told Sally to enjoy what she was going through and not be so harsh with her hubby. She was feeling irritated as her new born was having a tough time nursing. I felt like one of the wise men visiting the earth's king and bringing gifts. I did not bring incense or myrr, but instead practically bought the new dad a car sign saying Baby on Board and for Mom an expensive improvised sarong look alike to allow her to carry Baby Ming Ray where ever she went. The conception of this baby was assisted, thus he is a very special baby.

Time flies and so does tummy roars. Happy is about to lick his chops if I do not go feed him, and I do not want to upset him, as he kept me company througout my baking a thon session till the wee hours of the night. I take leave now.

Pampering Oneself.......

How oft would I do this......Not often enough I must say. However last week, I controlled the events rather than have them control me.

Tuesday, I just took the day off and went on my EAT A THON and on friday I did yet have another leisurely day. I was not deterred with bruises on my behind from a fall from the staircase. I had just told my doctor friend I was starting to experience pain within the confines of my heels when I awake in the morning, and he explained to me the reason with some medical jargon. I rolled my eyes as he was practically speaking Greek to me. The words uttered went straight into my right ear and travelled through the ear tunnel,coming out through the left! THat's how I handle things unless I jot them down. The salient thing though was his prescription........."Use footwear and it will help". Being the good obedient girl I am, I did that the day I went home. Whilst I am generally a size 6 (unfortunately) only shoes and not dress size.......sniggers!!! I took the good doctor's advice and found some slippers. Not being quite used to slippers and descending downstairs in the morning the following day,HUMPTY DUMPTY had a great fall. I thank God for whomever invented banisters as it broke my fall.And that is how my behind got the bruises.

That friday morning, bruised behind and all, I was delighted to go to the gym. I had already missed my 2 days earlier in the week. Following a relatively moderate sweat session of sit ups and what have yous with stepper and treadmill, I was ready to go get my grub for the morning. I had made an appointment with a hairdresser so I had time to feed my tummy and my mind was to dwell in good old coffee bean until the saloon opened.

Maureen, my partner in crime arrives and we jumped the escalator as we are greeted on 3rd level by our "King" as he calls himself. King ushers us in the student section and the "party" begins". We sacrifice our heads yet another time for the students to do whatever they pleased. Being an empty nester and in the natural age group of wrong side of the 40s, my deal was to color my naturally greying hair and being the cheeky and vain person I am, I wanted some highlights thrown in as well. My colleague and I exchanged glances at each other and chuckled as both of us were just going to have some fun as we colored our hair.As my title suggests......I pampered myself and requested for a pedicure too!......I told the girl to allow me to keep my fingers for the dough and save her nail polish for a manicure I did not need.

Finally, 2.30 came and looking like a blondie I did not like, I stepped out of the shop delighted at the price, to say the least.

I zoomed across the city to meet with my daughters for an awfully late lunch and they were very kind with their comments on my hair.General talk flowed to general parenting. We talked and I told them I had 2 issues......one I fell down the stairs and 2......I think I might be going through menopause! My older daughter interjected quickly......to best stay clear of me for a while as it is known menopausal women tend to behave strangely........I wanted to tell her she did not need a 10 ft pole and I'd still like to see them time and again. Our lunch continued and we parted ways happily.

Saturday morning, I spruced my body to take a light beating at the tread mill and off again for yet another treat at The COffee Bean. Whilst I have had kind words spoken to me regarding my new blond look.......... I was still not pleased with what I felt was not me. Richard Carslon kept me company but made me cry. I am not quite sure why but I think it was because the chapter I read was so relevant to my experience the night before. I was carrying this heavy burden as I was terribly upset and distraught at some not very pleasant events in my spiritual abode........My Church. I could not help it, I just saturated myself pages within pages, not lifting my head up. I was in a way glued to the contents and both my eyes and mind were soaked.......though with a sigh of relief that followed. I knew I learnt something and I am a lover to learning. One of the books I am reading now is "What about the BIG stuff" in life. How does one deal with and cope. I felt the hurt I was experiencing from last night was not necessary, and in a way this particular chapter allowed me to see things in a different perspective.

As I was savoring the toast on salmon at Coffee Bean, I had a tug of war with myself mentally. I had.....over the last few months made a deal with myself. I told myself I would always learn to accept whatever comes my way. The practice was serious stuff as far as I was concerned as I would consciously accept things as they came in my path. Just to explain how I very much wanted to put this to practise, I have a certain way to put in toilet paper on the roll, and if I went into a toilet and the paper was put in a reversed way, I would normally "correct it", taking it out of it's place and place it the way I thought was "best". Now, I am glad when I have such an encounter, I would tell myself to accept things the way they are when I found them! It really takes practise. Thus, when I wanted to go re fix my hair, I felt I was not putting to practise what I started. I was actually wondering whether I should proceed or not, and finally for the sake of vanity(eye balls rolling up),I went forth to re fix my hair.I broke my rule..........and all for vanity. Head drooping and somewhat embarassed I place my physical appearance before my self improvement practise or my new principles in living a simplistic life.

I thought touche', I tried but this was a valid reason to break the rule. I am but a girl, who wants to look good, and in the process will feel good.

Flustered and roller coaster rides....

I have an hour this thursday evening, and it is indeed a rare commodity since the last 2 weeks. Unfortunately, I have been extremely flustered and am not pleased with such. The hour I have as I sit comfortably on my wing chair at the entrance of where I live, right foot over left resting on this so called foot rest. The sound of the ceiling fan is ever so evident and to an extent it dominates my thoughts. On my left, the barrage of things I need to send to Salvation Army or Bulk Movers starts to pile up once again.........I sigh as I look at the things my sister drops on my lap to clear. The home gecko just sounded in agreement with my thoughts.

My hands will start getting busy within the hour as dough for my next batch of mooncakes await me. Why did I allow myself to be flustered I question myself.......Consciously, I told myself I will not allow the same to happen this week. The good news is I am not flustered but I have indeed got my hands full still. Perhaps I should have a diary to enable me to reflect and check where the time stealers are.

I shall aspire not to sweat the small stuff as I share what went on with this empty nester's life this week. I went on an EAT VENTURE. I pause and think, perhaps the more politically right word might be EAT A THON........similar to marathon!My story begins.........4 senior citizens, with yours truly being the kid in the brood took a leisurely drive up north.

What started as a simple question from one of my colleagues if I liked to go for car rides materialised an EAT A THON venture. Fortunate or not, I only managed to garner the few of us in one car for this trip.......Boy what a start of a day, and if not managed well, it could have ended as a flurry of activities once again. This Tuesday just so happened to be a day off for our regular volunteer work day, thus us scurrying off yonder.

My tuesday morning started at 6am as I quickly baked a cake and await pick up to our meeting place at 10. I was told if I needed a ride, I needed to be picked up at 8am as there was a Members Jusco Sale!!! What I exclaimed within myself, a man wanting to go to a sale at that hour? I bit my lips and just agreed with the pick up time. I was aghast at the sea of people in the supermarket. Gosh.......I could not believe my eyes at 8.15am and the people could have been there as early at 7am. We left at 9am proceeding to yet another task of mine. We went to get my new mirror ordered and some other replacement.

To start off the EAT THON, I had to live to eat and filled my tummy with coffee and a bun.......gobbled a few cookies down and was ready to roll. Our first stop and laugh was at Sungkai. My good friend, ignorant at inflation takes out a RM5 bill to pay at Sungkai toll exit. I laughed so hard and asked him if he remembers we drove more than 100 km! We had a good laugh as the toll came up to RM15.60 or something there. Our first stop was the TRAP hot springs and it was really a pretty picture to behold at the entrance. We strolled and googled at the family spa private rooms, and I was like a kid seeing a section of the hot springs where we could boil our own eggs!!! Yes, to top it, the managment even has a sign board on how long one should leave their eggs in the springs if half cooked or fully boiled etc. Lunch was at Sungkai as we imagined ourselves as treaure hunters looking for something we were depending on our friend Maureen could recall.

Oh, I could go on, but my hour is almost up.......I pause and my feet are now on the floor, and my mind tells me the fingers are itching to go elsewhere. I press the pause button as I prepare myself to go dig in the dough.

Room at the top of the stairs......happy happy moment

Just after a nice warm shower, smile on my face as Mark, my friend was pleased with the book I gave him as a farewell gift. In the background, I have Rod Stewart keeping me company on a saturday night with some jazzy music. Sigh ......... What more can an empty nester ask for....



Indeed today is truly a Happy Happy moment for me, no not my dog Happy, but truly me feeling happy today, specifically this evening. I smiled over and over again as I looked at my almost done room. My three walls have ICI's Brilliant White all over, and a DIY feature wall with a color akin to our local teh tarik. I must however say, it is a clever tone as it brings out a feeling of warmth and cosiness to the room.



It starts with me trotting down to IKEA late this morning, ready to make a purchase for my new wardrobe, but lo and behold.....it's out of stock! Fell in love this afternoon........no did not meet someone dashing......whisper....my heart's already taken. Oops did I just blog that........ Seriously, I fell in love this afternoon with an "Island Unit" in IKEA, but ouch........the price was quite a bit. Sigh.........holding my horses, I need to really ponder on that. It will be so pretty, and perhaps kind of a stand-offish or should I say Stand-Out to my already tired looking kitchen.

Early evening, my reliable handy"man"........first born Carol comes to my rescue. She mumbles as carting the bed from downstair to room at the top of the stair was not part of the bargain she anticipated. A little pretty please or we can do it another time did the trick. I became an instant apprentice as my daughter summoned me to get the tools. I scurry down....open the tool box, and bring to her 2 screw drivers, spanner and a wrench! She smiles and says ..........."Mom, I am not fixing any taps today". Quite frankly, I did not recognise or realise the big heavy heap of metal was a wrench, until Carol's response. Tongue-in-cheek, I told her this was the best hammer I could get my hands on.......chuckles.

Please pardon me, whilst I adore Tim Allen, my little blue tool box have stuff I do not know why it's there, and things which should be in the tool box is not quite there. We have though, MacGyver to thank but A wrench and spanner is transformed and becomes our hammer. With some noisy hammering , Spanner in hand and Happy as audience.........within minutes, Carol presents my beautiful white bed!!! Applaud.........

As quickly as she arrives, Carol takes leave and explains about the last minute shopping for her back packing trip. Ben (my favourite nephew and Carol's house mate) and Carol are globe trotting adventure style to Thailand, Laos etc. During a short car drive, I reminded her of a seasoned traveller's tip........bring your worst and soon to be discarded clothes and have the wear and throw attitude. Her eyes literally popped out and then lighted up when she heard about this tip..........

The sun goes down, my shorts go up and t shirt and up the ladder I go.........paint brush in one hand and paint tray in another as I balance myself to do the finish touch up of my feature wall. Splish splash......wall's done. As I sit on my new vinyl timber looking floor, I get my hands on fixing my 3 track curtain rails. The white sheers go up, ladder climb again, the next layer of curtains, white cotton with stripes and the valance........I switch on my lampshade........ah.......warm romantic light. Truly I cannot wait to sleep in my room again with book in hand and my lampshade which doubles as a reading light. Did I miss out an important detail.......Happy's got a new bed too, it's one of those cushy oval looking cushions I picked from Ikea.

It's late and I bid adieu lest I write someting giberish as I eagerly wait to go back and sleep in my old new room...

How does one balance ....

It's the weekend again, and I just returned from a farewell party. I've known Mark for about 5 years now, but truly....... I only REALLY GOT TO KNOW Mark a little more just a couple of months ago. He's a fellow volunteer I work with and the farewell party was to wish him well. He's a young man with a very good attitude towards life. A person with deep thoughts and someone I felt I was just starting to connect with........and now he's leaving.


Whilst I enjoyed the time the few of us were together talking about differing subjects, What I truly liked was the opportunity to get dressed up and be with people whom were very much part of my daily life. Whilst on the outlook, I exude a personality as one who is easy going and cheerful, I sometimes am confused with whom I really am or what exacty is my authentic personality?. My conscious rationalises I am the "spark" because I will do what I feel the environment needs. I have caught myself more than once where I "am the live wire" and then I exit when the momentum gets going. Why do I do that? On a more intimate level, I know I am not comfortable with big parties or cocktails, I would rather intimate and small get togethers....just like what we were doing this evening. In a way, I guess I am more a listener than a talker.


In the party, because I wanted to make an effort to participate, I opened my mouth and I raised a question. The question was if they could remember what was the happiest moment in their lives. What I, initially thought was a simple straight forward question yielded many other opinions and comments that threw me off a little. During the short journey car ride back, I asked my friend Mark to elaborate what he meant when he said the word "separation".... You see what happened was, tears welled up in my eyes when the thought of Mark leaving came to mind. If I could be a little more descriptive, it was as if a small part of my heart was being torn away. His response was plain and simple "Attachement".


Mark is one of the few colleagues I have a good feel about. His persona, and his simplicity is something I find admirable and rare, a quality of a man so young of age. I thoroughly enjoyed our repartee when we had opportunities for short chats. Mind you, Mark is a young man in his early 30s and started volunteering when he was in his 20s! I have also learnt this young man........donates blood regularly, monthly or bi monthly ...........and since college or early working life!!!


Mark reminded me that I am, by comparion, someone who is very in tune with my feelings, and thus simple things can just trigger my senses". I paused to reflect and then agree. I was reminded that when one is high on emotions, one is low on mindfullness i.e. living in the present. Whilst all these were happening , another fellow colleague chips in and said matter of factly............"You have a lot of emotional baggage", and yet another quips in to suggest thoughts that TOMORROW WILL BE THE HAPPIEST MOMENT IN MY LIFE.


Driving back, three things dominated my thoughts.........


- How do I become less intense with my emotions? I know fully well from a conscious level that
extremeties in anything is not good.
- How do I deal and unload my baggage?
- How do I develop a habit of preparing my mind to create the thought that my
HAPPIEST MOMENT IS TOMORROW and now???


These are thoughts for me to mull over.......... the weekend and over and over again. I pray for insight as the going ons continue in THIS EMPTY NEST. Tomorrow.........is a new day and I am going to be happiest as I am going to give myself the New Wardrobe, fix my New bed, New mattress.......A NEW LIFE........in a way.

Liberated.....?

Is that a synonomous word for my present situation? I really don't know. What I do know is my nest has been totally empty for more than six months now. It's just Happy and me for now. As I type this in the wee hours of a saturday night, or shall I say the early morning of a Sunday......., Happy is lying right beside near my feet as I am plonked in front of this lap top exercising my fingers.

So what does an empty nester do when the "Chicks have flown off the cuckoo nest"? I keep myself occupied. Now that I am (as a friend reminds me) on the
"WRONG SIDE" of the 40s and sort of semi retired, I live my life the way (at least most of the time) I want to. Being a single parent for the better part of my life and wearing both the pants and donning the apron at the same time........... I have had my share of roller coaster moments with my 2 girls.

I am glad I do not have to experience getting up at 3 am and realising someone's not home yet, and having to go out in the pouring rain to drive around trying to figure out where my child is. I am glad i do not have to be angered or disappointed to find out my child was not in tuition class when she is supposed to be. I am glad I do not have to worry about whether she will pass her high school exams.......... I am glad my heart does not do sommersaults when or if I find another tatoo or pierce.

How do I live my life the way I want to. I do things that make my heart sing!!! As I flip through the pages of my journal in goals in my life, I find I have this desire to be able to cook good enough to entertain. Why I wrote that......I really don't know. Perhaps it is the sub conscious being desirous to be able to live an enjoyable life where I get to have friends and family over to spend time together. I use to also wish I would be able to work for free..........well I sure am realising this aspect as I do volunteer my time sufficiently to a worthy cause. The delight it gives me surpasses what I ever thought or even imagined.......

Mooncakes any one? Yes, this is the latest of things I did over this last week. Whilst I do not think I am on the lookout for challenges in life........I do create the challenges. I think I have a desire to learn and just want to have the ability to do sometings. It also donned on me why one of my fellow colleague nicknamed me "Ah Mau". I create things which need not be. Let me give you an example.........I bought lotus paste, readily packed etc....but that is not good enough for me. I just went to the store and bough some lotus seeds..........Yes, Ah Mau wants to experience the challenge whether I am able to make my own paste.

Eye lids becoming heavy, it is close to 1.30am...... the fingers even went to this key z z
z z z z z z........