It's a saturday after 4pm, and I am seated in my office blogging......What a life! I have in a way made some decisions and actively executed one already whilst the other, will happen on Monday.
Today, I subscribed to Astro as I feel I need some external stimulation. When I spent some time visiting Ashley last week, the TV at my brother's house was on some food channel. My focus shifted from Ashley to the TV.......How sad but I was just drawn. I thought to myself, why don't I just sign on. My sister might be a little upset I think, but I'm paying, so.......why not! I just filled in a form and faxed it to Astro. I made some inquiries and I thought cooking and hallmark, those soapy operas, and how wonderful, the basic family package includes those two things I wanted! On Monday, I will cease going to the gym. I am not entirely sure when my annual subscription ends, but I think it is in 2 months or so. The thought that I will have to pay RM170 against RM90 I was paying were one of the main factors for my decision. Instead, I might go buy myself a bicycle and start cycling again...........I really don't know.
Yesterday was a scary and tearful day for me. I lost Happy for over 4 hours!!! My sister's domestic help left the gate open and I noticed him missing. It was so difficult for me to go for a work appointment and being so torn inside. Tomorrow will be Precious's first anniversary. Precious was Happy's companion and she passed away last year. As I drove for my appointment, my eyes were all over the lanes if he was there. I was afraid I would find him knocked down by a car. I prayed hard and my whole being was in distraught. It was as if I lost someone, a family........I made the appointment quickly and returned home. I prayed that I would find Happy under my bed.......I returned home and searched, but he was not in sight. We went by car and foot and I returned home, leaving my house door wide open and my gates open. I sat at my stairway and just cried........This is crazy but I thought I heard Happy's sigh......, I prayed and I asked a friend who says when he prayed to some saint of lost things, things appeared. I was desperate, though I would look stupid, I asked my friend to pray for me. Within minutes after I sent the message, Happy was found.
Praise God and probably the saint who probably knew my petition.
I am not on top of the world and I need to pull my socks up. I know that it must be part of the physical process of the bodily hormonal changes and the pendulum mood swings I am going through. It's no fun to be alone when one is down. I did some SHOPPING THERAPY and bought pots upon pots. I now want to strut down to Sg Buloh and see God in existence in the beauty of flowers and living things.
I shall blog happier moments soon to come
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
Emotional turbulence...
I am so desirous to be able to JUST KNOW how to manage to be calm with varying situations that presents itself in my life........
I was pleased when my daugther asked me for breakfast. I turned her down for thursday and we agreed to meet on saturday morning. I gave myself a pat on the back as I felt I handled things well! I manage to hold my tongue and refrained from any snide remarks as it has been close to a month since my daughter and I last spoke. My daughter and I do not have any pressing issues, except she is presently self absorbed with the experience of living independently(She lives with her older sister). Her life and focus is clouded with boyfriend and girlfriends and then,her job! I did suggest sometime earlier about fortnightly visits, which has not happened. I left it at that, choosing to be tolerant, and just patiently believing she will call me when timing is good for her. I recall my sister and my pastor's counsel that I should only be giving light touches because my girls were of age.
It was not a demonstration of authority, but more an adjustment for me to really cut off the apron strings. I told myself I should let them lead their own lives. I should not need to be keeping watch over them time and again. All I needed to do was let them know, if ever they need me, I would be able to be available for them.
To demonstrate my new attitude, I even left it as her choice where we could have our breakfast. I gave her the option to choose venue and we agreed on an appointed time. She mentioned to me I would meet her boyfriend's mom and others in his family. I told her plainly, "I rather not"....... Simply because I did not want to "entertain", and secondly I just wanted to meet and spend some time with her. '
Lo and behold saturday came and as I looked out for her at the place we agreed, the boyfriend and his mom were there!I forced a smile, and whispered to her "I did not expect this". This unfortunately was just a tip of the ice berg, before long......a throng of 5 other people joined us. I was extremely uncomfortable, I really wanted to crawl out of my skin and just leave. I remembered having to pray for the Holy Spirit to help me settle and be nice. I knew in my mind that if I clamped up more, I would appear unfriendly or stuck up. And that..... would not speak well of my behaviour and not bring glory to my God. I tried......God help me I tried. The mind and flesh took over and my spirit man took second place.....sadly. I felt very uncomfortable. Unfortunately, I was not able to hide this from my daugther, and she knew mom was clamping up. I was almost certain the guests sensed it too. I struggled to make small talk, to be polite trying to appear civilised, but my body language gave way. I was definitely not in my element!
It was a long 30-45 minutes breakfast, and they finally were ready to leave. I arose quickly, said my thanks and walked briskly towards my car. My daugther approached me quietly trying to explain and assure me the turn out was not what she planned. I responded "We'll talk later". I got into my car and I just wanted to cry. As I think and reflect on what my emotions were, it was not anger, but it was disappointment and frustration. I felt INVADED and made to feel I was put in a spot. I felt shortchanged. I felt I had consciously done my part of the bargain to be an understanding and tolerant mom as best I could, and she did not look after my well being or be considerate about how I felt.
Equally, I was also upset with myself as I realised I am not a good actor. I asked myself why I did not or could not relax to get to know these people. Why did I behave the way I did, why did I clamp up. I am almost certain, even to the blind I was uncomfortable. Although I did make an effort to chat, I think the rest of my body language just cringed and curled.
My emotional turbulence was not over yet. Saturday morning turbulence was just an appetiser, a mere little jolt! Saturday evening I attended a welcome party at my brother's house. My eldest brother would be 60 next year and his wife, my age......and they just adopted the cutest baby girl! I spoke to my sister in law briefly as I wanted to prepare her heart. The baby was adorable, and I did not want her to be disappointed if the biological parents changed their mind. As I heard her story of how Ashley was being tossed to different families here and across waters, my heart just sank for her. I held Ashley close to my chest and my love just flowed..... I just wanted to hold and cuddle her with the warmth of love a child so needed from their mother, and she did not experience it. I prayed for Ashley if it was God's will for them to be her new parents then, He would have His divine hand in the paper work. I prayed to Ashley's spirit to forgive her mother for giving her up as she must have been in a difficult spot to have to do what she did. It was such a long time since I felt someone needing love and comfort so much. I felt I just needed to pour and shower upon her, love and bonding which she so deserved. A mere 5 month old adorable baby being tossed around, thus unable to connect and have a sense of belonging.
I am seated now....... finally for the first time in my private dwelling place......my almost white bedroom, seated comfortably in my night clothes, with the fan and air cond, my lampstand lit up dimly creating a wonderful ambience as I speak my mind. I am truly blessed, I just inherited my god son's dell computer, it is wonderful to be in my own private dwelling. Relaxed and just having the ability to have an outpour of emotions, with no hangups and not a care in the world who would or could be reading this. As I type, I have muffled on me my other blessing, a hand me down i pod and headphones as I savour the wonderful selection of songs and tunes which just uplifts my soul to yet another dimension....... As I type now, Kenny G with THe Chanukah song entices me. My few favourites are some really really beautiful songs with such wonderful lyrics, I could hear it over and over. This is what life should be......well almost. Whilst it is close to midnight, my eyes and mind are just awaken with the thought of being able to continue to have an outpour of my heart and share my last emotional turbulence over this week.
I awake early on a sunday morning to notice a missed call on my phone from someone dear whom I treasure. The call shows 1am, and this person NEVER calls for no rhyme or reason. It's 6am, I call back and I am met with silence. I call again, and the phone is still switched off. Thoughts started to race in my mind.......Was there something he wanted to tell me? Frightening thoughts followed.......Is he ok? Is he well? Was there some food poisoning? Did he have an emergency he needed me to attend to? As I went down to my sanctuary in my dining room. The place where I meet with the Lord as I spend my quiet time reading,reflecting and praying. I prayed that my Lord watch over my friend, my dear friend. I am still disturbed, I had to pray for peace within for myself. Holy Spirit intercedes and a peace and calmness embraces me. I knew then every thing was ok, and I continued with my quiet time. Later in the morning, I call again and he picks the phone. He declares......"I'm fine, I'm having my breakfast", sorry something went wrong and I called your number by accident. Sigh and relief....... Everything is ok
I was pleased when my daugther asked me for breakfast. I turned her down for thursday and we agreed to meet on saturday morning. I gave myself a pat on the back as I felt I handled things well! I manage to hold my tongue and refrained from any snide remarks as it has been close to a month since my daughter and I last spoke. My daughter and I do not have any pressing issues, except she is presently self absorbed with the experience of living independently(She lives with her older sister). Her life and focus is clouded with boyfriend and girlfriends and then,her job! I did suggest sometime earlier about fortnightly visits, which has not happened. I left it at that, choosing to be tolerant, and just patiently believing she will call me when timing is good for her. I recall my sister and my pastor's counsel that I should only be giving light touches because my girls were of age.
It was not a demonstration of authority, but more an adjustment for me to really cut off the apron strings. I told myself I should let them lead their own lives. I should not need to be keeping watch over them time and again. All I needed to do was let them know, if ever they need me, I would be able to be available for them.
To demonstrate my new attitude, I even left it as her choice where we could have our breakfast. I gave her the option to choose venue and we agreed on an appointed time. She mentioned to me I would meet her boyfriend's mom and others in his family. I told her plainly, "I rather not"....... Simply because I did not want to "entertain", and secondly I just wanted to meet and spend some time with her. '
Lo and behold saturday came and as I looked out for her at the place we agreed, the boyfriend and his mom were there!I forced a smile, and whispered to her "I did not expect this". This unfortunately was just a tip of the ice berg, before long......a throng of 5 other people joined us. I was extremely uncomfortable, I really wanted to crawl out of my skin and just leave. I remembered having to pray for the Holy Spirit to help me settle and be nice. I knew in my mind that if I clamped up more, I would appear unfriendly or stuck up. And that..... would not speak well of my behaviour and not bring glory to my God. I tried......God help me I tried. The mind and flesh took over and my spirit man took second place.....sadly. I felt very uncomfortable. Unfortunately, I was not able to hide this from my daugther, and she knew mom was clamping up. I was almost certain the guests sensed it too. I struggled to make small talk, to be polite trying to appear civilised, but my body language gave way. I was definitely not in my element!
It was a long 30-45 minutes breakfast, and they finally were ready to leave. I arose quickly, said my thanks and walked briskly towards my car. My daugther approached me quietly trying to explain and assure me the turn out was not what she planned. I responded "We'll talk later". I got into my car and I just wanted to cry. As I think and reflect on what my emotions were, it was not anger, but it was disappointment and frustration. I felt INVADED and made to feel I was put in a spot. I felt shortchanged. I felt I had consciously done my part of the bargain to be an understanding and tolerant mom as best I could, and she did not look after my well being or be considerate about how I felt.
Equally, I was also upset with myself as I realised I am not a good actor. I asked myself why I did not or could not relax to get to know these people. Why did I behave the way I did, why did I clamp up. I am almost certain, even to the blind I was uncomfortable. Although I did make an effort to chat, I think the rest of my body language just cringed and curled.
My emotional turbulence was not over yet. Saturday morning turbulence was just an appetiser, a mere little jolt! Saturday evening I attended a welcome party at my brother's house. My eldest brother would be 60 next year and his wife, my age......and they just adopted the cutest baby girl! I spoke to my sister in law briefly as I wanted to prepare her heart. The baby was adorable, and I did not want her to be disappointed if the biological parents changed their mind. As I heard her story of how Ashley was being tossed to different families here and across waters, my heart just sank for her. I held Ashley close to my chest and my love just flowed..... I just wanted to hold and cuddle her with the warmth of love a child so needed from their mother, and she did not experience it. I prayed for Ashley if it was God's will for them to be her new parents then, He would have His divine hand in the paper work. I prayed to Ashley's spirit to forgive her mother for giving her up as she must have been in a difficult spot to have to do what she did. It was such a long time since I felt someone needing love and comfort so much. I felt I just needed to pour and shower upon her, love and bonding which she so deserved. A mere 5 month old adorable baby being tossed around, thus unable to connect and have a sense of belonging.
I am seated now....... finally for the first time in my private dwelling place......my almost white bedroom, seated comfortably in my night clothes, with the fan and air cond, my lampstand lit up dimly creating a wonderful ambience as I speak my mind. I am truly blessed, I just inherited my god son's dell computer, it is wonderful to be in my own private dwelling. Relaxed and just having the ability to have an outpour of emotions, with no hangups and not a care in the world who would or could be reading this. As I type, I have muffled on me my other blessing, a hand me down i pod and headphones as I savour the wonderful selection of songs and tunes which just uplifts my soul to yet another dimension....... As I type now, Kenny G with THe Chanukah song entices me. My few favourites are some really really beautiful songs with such wonderful lyrics, I could hear it over and over. This is what life should be......well almost. Whilst it is close to midnight, my eyes and mind are just awaken with the thought of being able to continue to have an outpour of my heart and share my last emotional turbulence over this week.
I awake early on a sunday morning to notice a missed call on my phone from someone dear whom I treasure. The call shows 1am, and this person NEVER calls for no rhyme or reason. It's 6am, I call back and I am met with silence. I call again, and the phone is still switched off. Thoughts started to race in my mind.......Was there something he wanted to tell me? Frightening thoughts followed.......Is he ok? Is he well? Was there some food poisoning? Did he have an emergency he needed me to attend to? As I went down to my sanctuary in my dining room. The place where I meet with the Lord as I spend my quiet time reading,reflecting and praying. I prayed that my Lord watch over my friend, my dear friend. I am still disturbed, I had to pray for peace within for myself. Holy Spirit intercedes and a peace and calmness embraces me. I knew then every thing was ok, and I continued with my quiet time. Later in the morning, I call again and he picks the phone. He declares......"I'm fine, I'm having my breakfast", sorry something went wrong and I called your number by accident. Sigh and relief....... Everything is ok
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